Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Randomize
