sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
you have to choose: penises or morals?
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
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