i just sent this text using only my big toe
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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