Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Randomize
