I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
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