You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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