Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
we need to get ahold of those "sexting" teens on tyra. HAWT!
wasnt one 13?
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
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