Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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