oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
