you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Randomize
