the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
