Your face is a jimmy john
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
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