judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
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