So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
