we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
