Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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