I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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