I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
