Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
And then the night went full on bisexual.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
