I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
