Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize