If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
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