White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Randomize
