You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Randomize
