I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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