It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
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