Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I lost the right to judge tonight
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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