Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Randomize
