Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
