i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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