I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Watching her eat just hurts me
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
