smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
