Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Randomize
