I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
