So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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