Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
we should paint friendship bongs
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