I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Randomize
