He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Randomize
