we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Randomize