I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
