New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
