I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
