i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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