Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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