apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
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