WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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