Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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