so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I puked a lego.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
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