So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Randomize
