wrigley field is MILF paradise
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
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