this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
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