All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
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