you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
