I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
it's great music for shaving your balls
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
My bed smells like the plague
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
