the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize