it's like iHOP with fire
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
