just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
